I survived. . .

Well, I've almost survived one year of being a first time mom, so here's some friendly advice and reminders to myself to recall before we have another baby. . .

- Take every single "sleep training" book/blog and drop kick their advice straight out the tallest window you can find. . . and squish your heel in it for good measure. Seriously, the worst idea I ever had was Googling baby sleep. You get these crazies who literally think that your 2 month old baby should be able to sleep through the night AND take several two hour naps throughout the day. They will swear by this method and that method blah blah blah. . . Yeah, I totally want to hear about how your baby took a 3 hour nap, outside, on the ground, in the rain, all because of Baby Wise (okay, maybe that's a slight over-exaggeration). Congratulations, you have what's called a good sleeper and I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with all of that stupid sleep training advice!!

- Your emotions, within any given hour, will span from overwhelming happiness, as in, "my kid is the cutest little thing on the whole planet I just want to kiss him all day long!" to mind boggling frustration, as in, "I swear if he touches those damn blinds one more time, I'm going to bash my head against this wall!" (luckily for all parties involved, Jared is much more intelligent than I am and decided that we should just raise the blinds up to remove all forms of temptation from the little punk).

- No matter how much you'd love to control your baby, he will do everything in his own time, because he actually has a personality and mind of his own! Totally unfair that the tiny dude gets to decide when to start sleeping through the night, ditching the swaddle, feeding himself, drinking from a sippy, crawling, walking etc. You are one of those control freak people, so this concept will be slightly difficult for your OCD to handle, but once you realize that your baby is actually the boss over when and what he learns, things become a lot easier.

- A funny thing happens when your baby turns eight months old. It will seem as if everybody around you has lost their minds because they will start to ask you when you are going to have another baby! The first couple times I laughed it off thinking, that if they knew me they couldn't be serious. And then it happened again, and again, and again. I wish I were a rockstar parent like some family and friends I know, but sadly, I am not. Maybe I should have Jared design me a t-shirt that says, "I love my baby, but I DO NOT have the mental capacity and emotional stability to have another anytime soon (sorry to disappoint)!!"

- Remember when you felt like a self-conscious idiot because you didn't have a clue how to carry a car seat on your arm or get the stupid door open when pushing the stroller? Don't worry, I'm pretty sure nobody was looking at you and thinking that you were an idiot because most people actually have lives and don't care what strangers are doing out in public!

- Never let your baby nap without a onesie or bottoms on. All will seem well and your kid will be quiet up in his room, but then when you check the monitor you will be greeted by the sight of the cutest little baby butt cheeks you have ever seen, but then you will notice that he took the advantage of his new found freedom and peed all over his bed. . . awesome!

- Upon the arrival of the sweet babe, your existence becomes extremely less important to those around you. All anybody will want to see or talk about is your baby. It makes sense, they are just so tiny and squishy and cute! But don't be surprised when you find it takes a while for your presence to be acknowledged when you walk in the door to visit family or friends!

- You will continuously compare your kid to other babies and their skills. You won't be able to help it (because you certainly have issues). Half the time you will think your kid is a champ because he started walking at ten months. The other half, you will swear there is something wrong with him because he can't feed himself yet with his fingers, but so-and-so's kid was doing that months ago.

- Sometimes you will find yourself pinning your child down just to get some Tylenol down his throat so he will stop acting like a little hellion because he is teething. . . that's about as fun as it sounds!

- Let your husband help! You aren't a child rearing expert just because you are the mom and you gave birth. News flash: Nobody knows what they hell they are doing when it comes to parenting!! Let your husband parent how he wants. Who cares if he changes the diapers or dresses your baby differently than you?? Nobody likes to feel nit picked, so if you keep correcting him and trying to force "your way," then you will effectively turn yourself into an only parent because I bet he'll eventually stop trying. Be grateful that you have a husband who is just as capable a parent as you are and let the dude help!

- You thought you were done with getting up in the middle of the night, but you were wrong. It's real unfortunate that pregnancy permanently caused your bladder to shrink. You'll be getting up every night to pee. . .

- Breastfeeding is going to turn you into a crazy hormonal psycho! Seriously, you will think your life is over just because your dang kid does not take a freaking nap. You will question your sanity and swear that you were totally laid back and normal before having a baby when said baby does not eat very well, is unpredictable, fussy, and blows out of every stupid diaper (or in other words, acts like a baby!). You will blame it on baby blues and wonder how that could last so long. Then when you are done nursing, almost overnight, you will feel so much better. Like, praise the Lord I knew I wasn't that crazy, better!

- Do not, I repeat, DO NOT reach into the back of your baby's diaper to see if he's pooped. Hello dummy, you are going to end up with crap on your hand at some point!!