I am an idiot. . .

A few months ago when I was approximately 39 weeks pregnant, I wrote this post about how miserable the last few weeks of pregnancy are. I look back now and laugh because while those things are/were very true, I was a fool to think that pregnancy would be harder than having a baby. Now don't get me wrong, I love my little guy and I wouldn't trade having him for anything, but as I noted at the end of that post, I was an idiot to think that I'd be good at all this baby stuff. . .

Items 1-9 were written on a day when my child was not sleeping, fussy, extra needy and I was ready to pull my hair out by the time Jared got home. Even reading it a few days later I laughed at what I wrote because most of the time this stuff doesn't really cause me that much stress. I want to be able to get a good laugh out of it down the road again though, so as always, take anything I say with a grain of salt!

1) Childbirth.  I've already shared Asher's birth story, but there are just a few things they don't tell you about having a baby. Like the fact that the nurse will ask if you want to have a mirror so you can "watch" what is going on, and the doctor will ask if you want to "feel the baby's head" as you are trying to focus on pushing the dang kid out! Um, hello people, I've watched enough Baby Story on TLC to know that I sure as hell don't want to see my girl parts get ripped to shreds or touch my baby's head while he's still inside of me, that is just nasty!

2) Recovery. I was going to go into more detail because people don't warn you about this stuff, but let's just say that the aforementioned girl parts are going to take a while (and I mean A WHILE) to get back to "normal." Going to the bathroom for the first couple weeks after is a joke (and you better believe taking stool softeners is a dang good idea, don't be too good for the pills they give you!), having sex again hurts way worse than the first time, and you'd be smart to invest in some super maxi pads and just accept that fact that you are going to feel like a teenager again wearing those bad boys!

3) Breastfeeding. I still laugh at how all the nurses (some of who can't be more than 19 and definitely haven't ever had a kid!) and doctors just assume you are going to know how to breastfeed in the hospital. I'm a first time mom here, I don't have a clue what I'm doing! They swing into your room every 3 hours and ask you if you've fed your baby. Sure, if you consider shoving a boob into my baby's face to see if he sucks on it feeding, then yep, I've definitely fed him! My baby is a man (granted a small one) and men love boobs right?? It can't really be that hard! Ha, whatever. They don't tell you that when you get home, your baby is going to want to sleep for 6 hours at a time and not be interested in eating at all. So then you are going to get engorged because nobody tells you to make sure and wake your kid up and force him to eat or to buy the best breast pump on the market and pump like a madwoman if your little pill refuses to eat anyway! We never got the hang of breastfeeding. I pump and he drinks breast milk from a bottle. You might say I'm crazy, it's too much work, I'll loose my supply blah blah blah. Well it's been fine for almost 3 months now, and even though "breast might be best," I honestly won't be that devastated when we switch to formula, who really cares as long as my kid is being fed right?! Happy mom = happy everything, so just do what works for you and don't look back or feel guilty for crying out loud! 

4) Sleep.  Everybody knows that being parents to a newborn means you aren't going to get any sleep, it's just a simple fact. But I find myself thinking about sleep more than any other thing throughout the day, it's really pathetic. When should Asher sleep? How long should he sleep? Where should he sleep? Why won't he just bite the bullet and freaking fall asleep? Why is he awake, it's only been 45 min. . . he must be hungry. . . he must be poopy. . . he must be too hot, too cold. . . he must have had a bad dream (what the heck do babies dream about anyway?!). . . he must hate to sleep and he will never be a good sleeper because he can't take more than a stupid 45 minute nap during the day! Should I give him the bink? No, he can't have the bink because then he will become addicted and then I'll have to replace it every 5 min because he looses it and then he will grow up and turn into a 5 year old who still has to use the bink. . . my life is over. Those are just a few thoughts about sleep that run through my mind on a daily basis (good thing I'm aware of this and don't take myself too seriously. Ha!)

5) Nails. Why do babies have to be born with such long fingernails and with this burning desire to have to scratch their faces off every time they get pissed?? So then you have this dilemma. . . do I clip his nails so he doesn't do permanent damage to his face, or do I risk cutting his poor little fingers because those baby nail files really don't work that well and it's impossible for the little stinker to sit still for more than 2 seconds? Let's say we've made it through several rounds of clipping with only one tiny incident that involved the smallest amount of blood and screaming. . . sorry mom, I've already damaged your perfect grand baby ;) 

6) Poop and pee.  Here are some words of wisdom from first time parents who had to learn the hard way. If you have a boy, keep the wein down to prevent leaks, and keep a fresh diaper open and at the ready when changing to block the pee that will inevitably come shooting toward your face. Sure, they sell those little "teepee" covers at the store, but who really thinks that those things will stay on your wiggling child?! Your kid will definitely have the "I'm trying to poop" face and grunts, when this starts happening, slowly lift them off of your lap and hold them in the air to let them do their buisness. If they poop while sitting or laying on you, then it's a guaranteed blowout and a clothes change for both you and the baby because that poop has nowhere to go but up or out the sides of the diaper (the little man just had a blowout on Jared for this very reason as I was writing this, sucker!). Oh, and most of the time you will definitely hear when your baby poops, but watch out for those silent ones, they can deadly! 

7) Carseats. Who the heck invented those mousetraps and why do all babies hate them? I get it, "Safety First," but it's 2013, you'd think by now they would have come up with something a little more comfortable for babies and that don't turn into personal ovens (or am I the only one who has a baby that sweats in his carseat?? We could put him in there with only a diaper on and he'd probably still sweat in it!)

8) Swaddling.  Seriously, why can't babies be born with perfect coordination so they don't think hitting themselves in the face while sleeping is a good idea?? So you are left with this self-abusing baby who hates to be swaddled and wiggles around until he gets both arms out so he can keep hitting himself. . . our son probably needs therapy or something.

9) Social Life.  Jared and I are not the most social of people in the first place, but having a baby really puts a damper on any desire to go out and do anything. It's just too much work. Get baby ready, get diaper bag ready, hopefully remember to brush your teeth, realize baby pooped so change baby, put baby in carseat, watch as baby spits up on himself so wipe him up as best as you can, realize you forgot your shoes upstairs and listen to baby scream while getting shoes, put bink in, schlep baby and baby crap down to the car, see that the stupid mirror on the headrest is on wrong so spend 10 min trying to fix it while occasionally replacing the bink (like it honestly matters because even if you can see them crying, you can't do much for them while driving anyway!), start driving and say a bad word under your breath because you forgot the stroller, turn around and shove the stroller into the trunk, continue driving, finally make it to your sister's house to spend the afternoon and repeat while driving home listening to the little guy scream bloody murder because he just can't stand the damn carseat! Sounds like fun right?? (And I'm not even going to get started on grocery shopping, I've decided it's nearly impossible to get it done with a newborn!)

10) Attachment Anxiety.  Yes, having a baby is crazy, hard, overwhelming and ridiculously frustrating at times, but I seriously can't even explain how much I love my son. Although it will be nice when he's not quite so dependent on us to meet his every need, I dread every day because it means he is getting older and one day he's not going to need his mommy and daddy. We get him for the next 18 years or so and I hope that we can teach him how to be a good, responsible person. I want him to be happy. I want him to know God. I want him to marry a nice girl (who likes me please!). I want him to have a successful career. I want him to remember the importance of family. I want so many things for him, but I know that there is only so much we can teach him and ways we can influence him. One day he will grow up and have to make decisions for himself and decide the kind of person he wants to be. I hope that Jared and I can do enough to send him along the right path. He is so freaking cute, I just love him!


Well there you have it. I'm sure other first time moms have probably felt some of these same things and that moms of multiple children are laughing in my face and thinking, "just wait till you have the next one girlfriend!" Haha, I'll deal with that insanity when it comes and just enjoy the crazy life I have right now!

I really can't get over his adorableness, I just 

want to squeeze his guts out all of the time!!