Thursday, August 1, 2013

Just come out already!

Now that I have experienced pregnancy, I realize why people like to question how a pregnant lady may be feeling, but it makes me wonder what people actually expect to hear in response to that question. So in case you are want to know, today I am sick of being optimistic and saying, "oh yeah, I feel pretty good overall, can't complain too much," because honestly, the past couple of weeks have been crappy and I am not looking forward to a couple more weeks of this shit! Thus I've complied a list of reasons, in no particular order, why our baby needs to make his appearance into this world asap.

Disclaimer: Unless you are somewhere between 37-40 weeks pregnant, any kind words of encouragement will be ignored entirely on my part. In reality, I know that I'll be happy once the little dude gets here and pregnancy/birth is a miracle blah blah blah, but right now I don't want to hear it unless you are feeling the same pain as me :)  Also, this is just me venting, please take it with a grain of salt and feel free to laugh a little at me being overly dramatic!

1) I've decided the whole pregnancy metaphor "you have a basketball shoved in your belly" is inaccurate. People, a basketball is full of air, it weighs like 2 lbs. My baby is a solid, 7+ pound, mass that is always pushing on my insides. Everyone has constantly mentioned how small I look considering how far along I am. Well too bad this baby isn't proportionally as small as my belly, he is huge and measuring a week early! Which brings me to my next two points. . .

2) He has nowhere else to go right now, so when he wants to move or stretch out, my ribs, stomach, bladder etc. are the victims of his boney extremities. The constant sucker punches to my crotch are getting really old. The kid must know exactly where to hit me to maximize the pain (he brought tears to my eyes last night with one well placed punch down south).

3) I can't remember what it feels like to sit comfortably in an upright position. Sitting in church is a freaking joke these days, driving is just as laughable and even our soft couch is rough. I can barely breathe because the little stinker's back and butt is shoved so far up into my ribs. I probably look real funny sitting in Sunday School every week trying to push my stomach down so I don't suffocate!

4) Oh to be able to sleep on my stomach again. It will be a glorious day when I'm not tossing and turning for a half hour or more trying to get into a comfortable position before I drift off to sleep.

5) An equally glorious non-pregnant day will be free of approximately 97 trips to the bathroom!

6) Speaking of trips to the bathroom, supposedly pregnancy has made me slightly anemic, so my OB told me I have to start taking iron supplements. Well unfortunately taking all that iron makes me constipated. . . enough said right there!

7) My lower back and pelvic region are the bane of my existence right now, not to mention I feel like I have pulled muscles in places I didn't even know had muscles (such as my crotch, what the hell is up with that?!)

8) I can't remember the last time that I went to sleep without a stuffy nose. I had no clue that pregnancy causes some women to become congested, and it's seriously the pits!

9) I'm so sick of thinking about labor and wondering when it will happen. My stomach feels rock solid half of the time already, so I don't even know what the heck to expect from the real thing. People have said, "Oh you'll know for sure when they are real contractions," ha, whole lot of good that does me now considering that answer does not provide any descriptions as to what "real contractions" feel like, ya dummies! I just want my water to break so I can go straight to the hospital and not even worry about timing contractions and all that crap.

10)  And last but not least, it will be nice when he gets here and we'll get to hold him, give him a name and love on him. . . and he won't be kicking the crap out of me anymore!

Well that's about it, stay tuned for my next list of "Reasons why I was a complete idiot to think I could take care of a helpless newborn baby" because I'm sure I'll freaking out here in the next few weeks!


Jake & Katie Larsen said...

Stacie! You are hilarious. You'll be the most fun mom. Can't wait to see a picture of him :)

Michelle Emett said...

I have so many things to say right now! Haha good luck my friend ;)

Nashelle Jackson said...

That is too funny! I love your list. And I'm super jealous because you only have a couple more weeks to feel this way and I have a few more months! Oh well. :) Can't wait to see pictures - you're going to be the best mom!

Jessica Nelson said...

You are a champ for sure. You describe being pregnant to a "T". Love your guts and I'm praying he comes early... ;)

Momma G. said...

You sound just like an "Erma Bombeck" book! Of course, you probably don't know who Erma Bombeck is, but she was an awesome writer! Hang in there!!! :)

Chelsy said...

ha ha, you are cracking me up! Especially the 'labor' part. I remember one night having a little contraction (I think) and Rand asking, "are you in labor?" My response, "I have no idea, I've never been in labor before!" ha ha, seriously! And I wasn't, she didn't come for like another week or so.

Good luck with the rest of the waiting game. I have ZERO is different for everyone.

My only thought, don't listen to any advice about inducing labor. My doctor told me that the baby comes when the baby comes. If you go for a walk, you will just be that much more tired when you could have 'relaxed' at home. If you take castor oil you will just have to deal with the after effects (which usually don't involve a baby), or a hot mouth if you eat a pepper, etc. She said people who swear by it just had a lucky coincidence! ha ha.

Watch lots of sports center to keep yourself occupied in the meantime! :)

Lindsay said...

I forgot about some of the "cons" of pregnancy you listed (stuffy nose and not being able to sleep on my stomach, also pushing my belly down so I could breathe!). I felt like my pregnancy was pretty easy, but there definitely comes a point where it's "better out than in!" Good luck, and hang in there.

Josh and Kensey said...

Haha I agree pregnancy sucks! I missed sleeping on my belly the most! Can't wait to meet your perfect lil man! Get here fast baby Gibbons!!!

Rachel said...

Haha you are funny. I think pregnancy is cool to experience once but then I am like, "do I really have to go through all that again for EACH kid?" I get the congestion too. Super annoying.

Laura Eller said...

Hahahahahahahaha! And Ha! I still haven't gotten back to sleeping on my tummy. And I didn't know I was in the labor even the 2nd time! Excited to see the little man when he comes!